I'll Push You Pull
by imthegreenfairy88
Summary: Edward leaves in New Moon and takes his decision harder by slipping up and going rouge. Will Bella move on and live her life? Will the Cullen's take her in as their own? Are Bella and Edward fated to find each other again?
1. Preface

This is my first twilight Fanfic, so please be gentle.

Preface

I could still hear her soft sobs in this quiet room, echoing through it like a church bell. I could hear her calling my name over and over and over again. I can still see her face crumble slowly as it dawns on her I was leaving, that I didn't want her. The fact that she believed it so willingly make my dead heart clench in pain. I felt my hands curl into a fist and my body lurch forward as another dry heave took me over. It's been a month and I still can't get out of this dingy hotel room in Rome.

I didn't fly or take a bus, I walked then ran, then swam to Europe as far from the Cullen's and as far from Washington as I could get. I couldn't stand to be around anyone any longer than I had to. Their smell, the different flavors and scents of _humans _were being to make me sick. Because they weren't her. It wasn't her smell. Her beautiful, mouth watering smell that I can still taste on my tongue from when I saved her life.

_Saved her life_. Shaking my head with a bitter laugh I roll onto my back on the hardwood floor, hearing it creak and groan beneath me. I saved her once and then what happened? Does the constant danger I put her through day in and day out with my mere presence make up for that one significant, gallant action on my part? Was it even that worth mentioning? I got to taste the sweetest thing in my existence and nearly killed her because I couldn't control the monster within me. Because that's all I am, a monster.

The phone vibrates against the hardwood for the thousandth and thirty fourth time. It's actually surprising she's called me so little. I know that she's just worried, my _sister_ Alice but, I can't face them. I can't talk to them without thinking of _her. _

Seeing her beautiful face again makes me want to claw my eyes out and just set my whole body on fire. It would be what I had coming to me anyways. A life like this, laying on a dirty floor with rats scurrying underneath the floor boards and the dank smell of onions and sweat in the air is more than fair for me, aside from death. Death would be a welcomed thing, a beautiful relief, something I do not deserve.

A new smell of garlic, tomatoes and a hint of calla lilies crawls its way to me slowly before a soft knock raps at my door. I look up at it for a moment from my sprawled position on the floor before a soft clearing of a throat breaks the echoing silence.

"Mi scusi signore…" _(Excuse me sir) _The soft melody of her voice made my eyes clench in pain. Her thoughts were nervous but sweet as my face flickered through her mind. I could hear the desperation in her thoughts. She hadn't seen a face like mine in some time and it made her nervous and excited. She of course thought I was beautiful and that made me even more aggravated.

How could they not know? How can humans be so stupid.

"…La cena è quasi pronta, se volete unirvi a noi questa sera?" _(Dinner is almost ready ... if you want to join us this evening?)_

"No grazie." _(No thank you) _My voice sounded unfamiliar and gruff. I heard her heart pick up and sweet blood start to flow faster in her body. Venom filled my mouth as I left my eyes close and remembered how the warmth of fresh human blood gush into my mouth tasted. Wonderful, unimaginably satisfying.

My phone vibrated again, stopping after three and started again, just twice, then again once more. She was trying to warn me with Morse code. I laughed softly and got to my feet, walking slowly to the door. I couldn't stop myself even if I tried. Her smell was too much.

I opened the door probably a little faster than I should have and her face registered shock and took a step back from me.

"Mi dispiace signore, io non volevo disturbare. Tornerò più avanti con la biancheria pulita."_(I'm sorry sir, I do not want to disturb. I'll be back later with clean linen.) _I smiled at her nervous behavior. Her hands twisting in on themselves her face looking at her small feet as they poked out from beneath her sundress. My dead heart would have clenched in pain again if it were there when a small blush crawled up her chest, to her long exposed neck, to the round fullness of her cheeks. I couldn't help but to reach out and let the warmth of it tingle in my cold hand.

"E 'veramente nessun problema a tutti. Voglio chiedere scusa per il mio comportamento."(It's really no problem at all. I want to apologize for my behavior.) I let a small smile go over my face. The memory of me stomping past her and her sister as they washed clothes nearly three weeks ago played in her mind. My face again played the main focus and I could see how contorted in anger it was, how closed off I came off as. But, I couldn't bring myself to really care. They were merely here as my cover for complete seclusion and self loathing. Her heart raced again and another rush of blood filled her cheeks.

I felt venom coat my mouth as I swallowed the burn slowly. She was pretty, but nothing at all what I wanted. What I wanted was sitting back in Forks, far away from the possible threat of danger that I could force into her life.

She was familiar though. This small delicate human before me. Her frame was similar, and her chocolate waves that ran down her back and over the tops of her breasts was nearly too much. However her eyes, the icy blue that they were studied mine and shock covered her face but, was replaced quickly by sadness. I could smell fear on her as her hand reached out steadily upward to my face. My phone began again behind me, rattling slowly across the floor and I knew what Alice saw, I had made my mind up.

"Avete così tanti problemi nei tuoi occhi …" (So much sadness in your eyes…)

I wanted to step back and slam the door in her face and beg for her to leave me alone but, the monster wanted something for all the torment I have put him through. All the nights laying beside that beautiful girl and never once letting him have her, in any way he wanted. To reach out and touch her. Cup the soft, heavy skin of her breasts. Feel the warm pulsing heat of her sex, taste the fresh, delicious blood coursing through her veins. He got none of it. He deserved none of her.

The blue eyed human girl's warm hand cupped my cheek and I closed my eyes as the scent of her blood filled my senses from her delicate wrist. One quick turn of my head and the monster would be more than happy, sated. He would win, but what else do I have? I left every bit of me with that small, beautiful girl back in Forks and I wish for none of it back. She deserves ever last good part of me. There's nothing but a monster left.


	2. Chapter 1

I felt inspired, renewed as I climbed the window up and out of that old, dingy building. The coppery, salty smell of dried blood wafted towards me as I took in a long breath of the cold fresh air. I sat and waited on the roof as I heard the mother downstairs ask her sister to go check on the youngest. She had been gone for nearly fifteen minuets and obviously thought the new resident had lured her sweet innocence into my bed. If she only knew.

I couldn't help the smirk that went across my face as the oldest daughter's scream ricocheted off the buildings around me. I hadn't wasted a drop of her sister and the monster was indeed sated. But, not finished.

I reached into my pocket and waited merely a half a second before it vibrated against my palm.

"Hello dear sister." I smiled as Alice huffed into the phone.

"Edward, what… happened?" She asked I could hear the hurt in her voice but, I couldn't bring myself to care. I couldn't remember why I even bothered with any of them to begin with.

"I was thirsty." I said simply with a shrugged, standing from my crouch on the roof top and leaping easily to another. It was true, no lie there. However, the displeasure in her voice insinuated that I was still very much in the wrong.

"This isn't you Edward. You're control, you've always had such wonderful restraint and control. Don't let this beat you! You should come home, I know what you're thinking and I know what you're planning but, please reconsider if you just-"

"Alice, please." I sighed pinching my nose before running a hand through my hair. "I am very much aware of what I am capable of and what is and is not like me. I am me for Christ sakes! I know better than you what I should and should not be doing! I am not coming home. I am not listening to Carlisle and I am certainly not reconsidering anything. _This_ is what I am. I am not going to lay dormant anymore, especially not for some little human girl who _thinks_ she can train me like a God damned puppy dog! I am to do what I wish, when I wish. You are to not call again. Understood?"

I could hear the soft quiver in her voice as she panted out a slow and steady "Yes." into the receiver, then with a click she ended the call.

Somewhere inside of me I felt bad. I felt awful but, not long enough for it to matter. Not long enough for it to stand noticed or be immediately replaced by just nothingness. It was like two sides were fighting inside of me and with nothing left to ground me, to even me out the darkness was taking everything.

Walking steadily to the edge of the woods as I climbed down a building nearly three miles away from where I took my first life in a few decades I felt free. I sighed softly letting the familiar scent of grass and dirt wash over my before I took off in a sprint.

Feeling the human blood course through me was exhilarating. I haven't run like this since my days as a vigilantly. My legs burned with power and the smile never left my face until I made it to the end of the forest and the smell of the ocean washed over me.

New York was always one of my favorite places to visit. The people and constant noise coming from the streets, buildings and people's minds. The disgusting thoughts of men as they leer at poor innocent girls, the worry of a mother that her son is late and hanging out with the wrong crowd again, and the almost constant noises of sex going on all over the city.

It was unsettling how much I liked it. For nearly ten years, I liked it too much to never leave the abandoned building I made my home. Or, as close to something you would call a home that a murderous, sick and twisted bastard that I am dwelled in.

I considered joining the Volturi and even Aro had sent for me many times but, each time I declined. I couldn't bring myself to do that to what I once considered family. However, now that I was on the Volturi's side so to speak, they left the Cullen's alone. They no longer bothered Alice with her gift asking her in a constant mantra to join them and their masterful plans to rule the vampire underworld. It all seemed silly to me. Keeping the peace between vampires, ruling us and giving us a certain code to live by. We lived off of instinct which, is why the younger ones get themselves killed off so quickly.

I was never to be found out and I killed those vampires who did things sloppily in my territory. I wasn't risking this new bliss I found because some newborn was hungry and stupid enough to murder a poor innocent school girl in broad daylight. Of course, humans are easy to pursued and the news covered it up as an underground cult acting like vampires and taking certain drugs to enable their ability to see things clearly.

Morons.

They have clear evidence right in their face and they still turn the other cheek. No wonder my kind has hunted for as many decades as we have. Our prey is just too easy.

* * *

**BELLA**

It had been ten years since anyone had heard from him. Aro had said he was doing well, amazing even. I was just disgusted by it. How can someone as beautiful and sweet as he was turn into a complete monster so quickly? I knew it had everything to do with me, however I cannot remember why. My human memories were so foggy I could barely remember what Renee looked like anymore. I remember her eyes, blue, beautiful eyes.

It was Alice who saved me. She came the day I jumped off that cliff with Jake and she came back for me to see if I was ok. I was of course, in a sense where nothing was broken but, the thought of her or any of them leaving me again was too much. I couldn't have found her and then just let her leave again. But, of course Alice being Alice stayed and comforted me all until Graduation. We Graduated together and everyone asked about Edward, on almost a daily bases and Alice always had the same excuse.

"He's studying in England, to go to Oxford to become an amazing surgeon like Carlisle."

Every time she said it with a large fake smile in place, it my stomach twisted and I felt like I was going to break apart into pieces. We both knew the truth. He left me to "protect" me for whatever nonsense he thought was accurate in his delusional head and then snapped. He forgot himself and turned into something no one knew he was capable of. Even Carlisle was shocked. He knew he was not as innocent as any other vampire gone rouge but to kill innocent people, just for their blood? To be sated? That was not the Edward anyone of us knew.

That is what pisses me off the most.

After Graduation the Cullen's were ready to say good-bye to let me move on with my life but, I couldn't. I was still too weak without them as much as it makes me sick to say. I was a weak little girl and they were all my rocks. Charlie was of course there for me as well, but he wasn't a piece of Edward. He wasn't what I wanted the most. What I wanted was to be one of them. To be a vampire, find Edward and smack some sense into him. But, they declined my constant begging. Alice was always so sad to say no and Carlisle always hung his head, without meeting me eyes when he said no.

I felt myself break even more apart each time I asked and each time they said no. Like they were trying to help me live my life. A life I almost hated because with every breath I took it reminded me of my broken heart that still beat in my chest for Edward. After two years of begging I finally gave up and moved to Seattle for college.

I was studying late at the library one night for a final when I heard the soft sobs coming from the level below mine. Slowly, I walked over to the banister and saw the Librarian whom I kept here nearly all night held against the medical section, her feet dangling back and forth above the ground.

Her slip on orthopedic shoes softly thudding to the ground rang so loudly in my head and I saw the man holding her move his face into her neck. Her feet kicked wildly underneath her but she was of course no match. I gasped and covered my mouth but, I already knew it was too late. He already knew I was up there he of course could smell me, but the sound was enough to make him quickly finished off the older woman and come after me.

Her lifeless body fell in an unnatural heap on the floor as his blood eyes snapped to mine, wide and scared. I was going to die. I had no Cullen's to protect me. I had no super-powered boyfriend to save me, suck the venom out before I burned and bled out. I was dead.

Three things flashed before my mind as I was dying. Renee's blue eyes, Charlie's smell of sea water and leather, and Edward's beautiful face with bright green eyes. I could feel my body slowly loosing life. I could feel the blood empty out of me as my attacker loomed over me, my throat to his teeth. But, I never let myself except I was dying. Something kept telling me you're going to be fine, this is what you wanted he'll leave enough to turn you but, he kept going and I kept feeling myself loosing.

Then I felt my body fall the to the damp carpet that was drenched in my own blood my killer wasn't able to slurp up.

"Oh God, there's so much blood." I heard her voice like an angel ring in my ears.

"It's going to be alright, everything is fine. Alice, grab her jacket, put pressure on the wound." His voice was filled with worry, and I don't ever remember him sounding like that. This had to be a dream. Why my mind would torment me with the two people I loved equal to my family in this world is beyond me. "Her pulse is weak." Then I felt pain stab through my wrist and my body heave forward. "It's alright Bella, you're alright. I just put my venom in your wrist. I cannot save you darling, without turning you but you're not alone. I promise, you won't be alone in this." I felt my body sigh in relief... I felt freed.

Three days later I woke up. I was wrapped in soft blankets and I could smell snow. I didn't understand it, but I just knew that it was snow. And, firewood. I smelt the ambers of a burning fire and when my head turned towards the warmth of the fire I saw everything. It wasn't a blur of color or things in a room, I saw everything. My mind registered a rocking chair, a bookshelf with my books all along it from my little apartment in Seattle, and the fire place surrounded in a hardwood flooring, cabin like room. Everything was wood and everything smelt wonderful.

Alice had been watching me in Seattle. She never let me know because she was scared I would start with the begging again. She thought I was doing so wonderful on my own, that I was finally moving on. She was so happy and thought I was doing so great that she was ready to finally leave me to live my own life without a watchful eye. She was on her way when she saw it all happen. The vampire attack me, and kill me and her finding out months later on the news that the girl in the Seattle massacre was Bella Swan, once best friend.

She stayed at the Forks home while everyone else in her family, aside from Jasper went back to Alaska. Jasper understood, especially after he watched her face lose all emotion. He watched as she got to her feet and took off in a run towards Seattle. She almost didn't make it to me in time and called Carlisle on the way. They made it to as the vampire was finishing me off. Jasper took care of him outside burning his body in a dumpster.

I learned all of this as I burned. Alice constantly by my side, holding my hand as my skin and organs burned and slowly kill me. I begged her to just end it, I begged for Edward, I begged to just let the feeling finally kill me already and then I woke up.

The days that passed were quick and I learned I had a special power from Elezra who was kind enough to let the Cullen's and myself stay in their house in Alaska as I "recovered" as Carlisle had put it.

Days turned into months and soon a year later I had mastered my power and we were able to go back to living a normal life, or at least as normal as we could be as vampires.

We moved to London because they hadn't been in quiet sometime and I had never been. Alice and Jasper became my two favorite people in the world with the absence of my father and mother who learned from newspapers and stations that I was killed in a brutal mass murder. We, the Librarian and I weren't the only people on the menu that night for that rouge vampire. We were just two of many faces that were presumed dead.

I hadn't seen Charlie since, but I always hoped he moved on, that he and Sue were happy together. That Jake had taken care of them both, and himself. Of course, letting myself think of Jake just lead to me feeling empty and sad. How selfish I was for just walking away from him after high school. How wrong I was to only send Holiday cards and call once in awhile to see how he was. It was so very wrong and with him thinking I am dead, I hope he had moved on as well. I hope that he can forgive me for being such a selfish person and horrible friend.

"Hey little one, are we ready to head back?" I smiled up over my shoulder watching the sunbeams from through the trees sparkle and almost bounce off Jasper's arms.

"I guess." I hop to my feet and Jasper wraps his arms around me tugging my body to his in a bear hug.

"C'mon, it's only dusk. How 'bout we try and find a panther then call it a day huh?" He asks as I chuckle and duck out of his arms.

"I think I'm fill. That bear did me in." I say patting my belly as Emmet laughs from beside me.

"Yeah, you are such a light weight."

"And you're a slob! Rose is going to beat your ass for ruining another shirt." I laugh as Emmet looks down at his new white shirt covered in black bear blood.

"Eh, she loves me. She'll get over it, she always does when I distract her." He says with a wiggle of his eyebrows as I gag.

"You're ridiculous." Turning away from him and walking back to our house or manor I should say set far enough in the English country side that we never run into humans.

We all run back and my brother's and sisters all return to their lovers as I silently climb the stairs to our room. The sun is setting and I watch from our large window as the birds start to quiet down and the woods start to slowly go to sleep.

I look over at his old leather couch that I couldn't bare to part with and the beautiful baby grand piano in the corner of our room. His and mine if he ever decides to come back to me. Or if I ever gather the courage to go find him. Sitting down on the leather cushioned seat, his scent still wafting up from the material, I opened up the top of the piano bench and sift through his many compositions. I let my fingers glide over my name at the top of one and hum softly the melody of my lullaby.

My heart is still in love with him, frozen and unable to pretend I'm mad or want nothing to do with him. I make Alice crazy with the nights I plan to dart out of this house and run for him, to find him anywhere I can. But, I don't. By the time the sun is risen I cannot leave. I can't go because I could never stand to see him as he is now. Someone, something I do not love. Because he's not my Edward.


End file.
